perhaps i'm mentally weak

last night, i stayed up till four in the morning thinking about recent events that triggered the issues i have, then cried myself to sleep half an hour later. how millennial of me, isn't it? bringing up mental disorders almost immediately. i guess i just have the luxury of having defined and widely used terms to describe what i feel and the struggles i have. it shouldn't be a stigma nor something to joke about though, so i'll save the jokes for some other time.

i keep going round, and round, justifying my depression and putting the blame on specific things that have happened to me, then denying them altogether and blamed myself for everything. that it's my fault i'm feeling this way, that i don't deserve good things to happen to me, that i'm greedy, that i'm too sensitive.

which are all true. i am reckless, and i'm a fool. i don't know my capabilities and my limits, so i always start something that i have no power to complete nor control. and when these tasks all come crumbling down because i can't handle them, i'd spiral into the darkness, not knowing when i can fix myself up again. i don't know who i can go to if it's not a therapist, then again, i worry that i'd seem weak and dramatic if i'd actually see one.

which is why i keep coming back to blogging. it's my third time -maybe forth- starting a blog to write about these pain i have. i can't keep one for long because when i get better, i'd always delete the site so i don't come back and reopen wounds that have healed. i don't want to remember these feelings, because i don't want to keep holding on to it, because i have tendencies to keep bad memories. i know that this is not healthy, because how can i let myself be happy if my mind is filled with so much sadness.

i don't intend to read what i write here, because i can be certain that what is written from the heart might not make sense when logic comes back into control. i just wanted a release, into the virtual void if you could call it that. i hope i have enough will power to not come back and read them once my depression passes. i also hope that it won't be long before i can delete this place and move on. but until then, i'll keep writing till i feel okay again.

i want to be honest here, not beating around the bush, say something then not complete the picture.

but it's so hard to be honest and brave. when you've trained yourself to belittle your problems and convinced yourself that nobody really cares, start to take away tools that help you talk about it. first, your voice goes away. then, words disappear. but the feeling remains, and it's suffocating because you want so desperately to get rid of the problem but you don't know how to do that anymore. sometimes my boyfriend notices, and asks me if anything's wrong. sometimes, i couldn't tell him what it is, because i couldn't find the words to describe it.

i want to change that. i want to give my pain words again so i can say it out and release it from my mind. i want to be able to say it when someone hurt my feelings, when something triggered my past.

last night i thought about how i shouldn't have tried to reconnect with my brother. that it was a mistake to do so. that i have probably done more damage that mending it.

i've never been a good sister, at least in my memory i don't recall ever being loving or caring towards my younger sibling. i have never done anything worth praising as the eldest child. maybe, the best i've done was to not cause any problem for him.

i had blamed it on our parents, which i'd done so easily for so many things. but while parents can do so much damage to a person, i cannot sensibly say that i have no role to play except the victim in this scenario. i'm an adult, i know how to think for myself, and i have -to some degree- the freedom to do what i deem to be right. so it's really my fault for not being responsible and play my part as the older sister. so it makes sense why there is some amount of hostility between us. we have simply grew apart into very different individuals with drastically different point of views. at this stage, i don't know if it's possible to find common grounds with him because i don't really know if there will be any.

have you ever approach a person, and try to start conversation with them, only to have them scrutinize your intent of talking to them to begin with? i have. it hurts. it feels as if they're suspecting you of scamming them of their belongings. it feels like you're standing in front of a wall, and every once in a while a brick springs out of its place to punch you in your gut.

it feels like you're scum, like you shouldn't even be talking to them because you're not worth their time. i've never felt more inferior as a person than when i talk to him, because i feel like my answers are never good enough, that they're not meaningful or insightful enough, that it's such a disgrace for a person my age to have such superficial thoughts and opinions.

i'll be frank and say that i'm not very good at conversing, and worse at arguing. because my brain just reacts too slowly. i can never come up with a smart remark or a brilliant comebacks. i can't. i tend to just say what i think in that moment, and my opinions are often flawed. i accepted that about myself, and i accepted that people might not listen to me much because of this. i'm not special nor extraordinary, i'm just me. plain, vanilla, average jane.

even when i'm hurt, i couldn't stand up for myself. this has happened before, over a silly boardgame, and that got me spiraling for days. i was a wreck, and it was pathetic. i am ashamed of myself, i have enough dignity to admit to that. which is why i gave myself limits and protocols of what i should do when i get triggered. because what's worse than not being able to defend yourself, is to break down and cry. and what dignity do i have left if i breakdown in an argument.

what i hope people would understand, is that i don't mean to cry, and i hate that i get hurt by the smallest matters. i want to be logical, and well articulated too. i want to be able to convey my message across and have a healthy debate and settle on an agreeable conclusion. i will keep improving myself on this area.

what i hope people can do in a conversation, is to avoid putting judgments on one's character based on their background and profession. if a person is a doctor, it doesn't mean that they're always selfless and benevolent. it's human nature to have a bit of negative amongst the positives. i am an educator, because i believe that every person is capable of mastering certain skills, if they're interested, willing to take the initiative and if taught well. i am not an educator because i have an urge to teach. it hurts me when i am told that i should not say nor do certain things, because i am an educator. being a teacher does not come with a set of rules i have to abide by. being a teacher does not mean that i have to tolerate irrational remarks. being a teacher does not mean everyone around me is my student.

i love teaching, because i love to learn. and i love to share what i learn with people around me, if they're willing to spare me some of their time. but if they're dismissive of what i have to say, then it's only setting myself up for failure to force information down another's throat. i thought about this long and hard at four in the morning last night, because my brother told me that predicting someone's actions is not a good attitude to have as an educator. but how can i educate well, if i cannot hypothesize how a person will react to my teaching?

but alas, my comeback in that moment was nowhere near what took me hours to come up with, and i doubt what i've come up with now is even a good enough of an answer for him. there is always more holes to poke, more points to question the validity of my answer, and it's exhausting to have such a conversation. it's strange how talking can feel like a battle.

i can never tell if he's making fun of me on the other end of that screen, or if he just really doesn't want to talk to me at all. i feel like i'm walking on such fine egg shells; if i answer honestly, i'd get dismissive remarks, if not condescending. but if i put up my own wall, and give him a taste of his own medicine, suddenly i'm bitter and demeaning. i don't know what i can do to make things better, except to continuously tell myself to not bother him anymore, for both our sakes. i can't take anymore sleepless nights after every conversation, going over what i could've said better that it wouldn't end on a sour note. i wish i didn't send that first message on new year's day, maybe he would've liked me more today.

i know i'm not worthy to be someone's sister, i can tell. i'm just sorry i couldn't give him a conventional sibling relationship, and i'm sorry i can't be someone he can come to when he has problems.